Dejection. Sadded.

I kinda felt disappointed with myself. For doing that bad in the most important, and last-chance exam papers.

They were super tough. Well, at least for 1 out of the 3 out of the 5 for this week, it was okay.

I hate myself. For not being able to gauge everything in importance. End up to be like a wasted chap, sitting in the exam half for 2 of the papers feeling dejected greatly. I was too tired mentally and physically (hand) that I gave up writing and regurgitating information. I just gave up. 

It's as if my hand was talking to my brain: "Hey, you know what, just start giving it up, even if you feel like salvaging by writing bullshit. Face it. You're not making it."

I felt like I lost hope. Seriously. 

Being a student in SCL drives people to their brakdown moments. In the exam hall, I totally blew it. Even if I knew perfectly that I had to continue writing, I didn't. I did what I knew was not correct!

I think I'm losing all of it. I need fresh, new HOPE.

Damn, Feeling busted.

I might be having some kind of lung infection. Doctor @SGH gave me orders to pop down 11 tablets every morning, until the next appointment 3 weeks later. When I initially heard the news (sorry, personal), I wasn't that affected. Cause I was alone, no one accompanied me there. After I went out of the clinic, was waiting for my medicines to be collected. Just then, mummy called. Then I broke down a little. The tears streaked down so automatically.

I guess that also affected my mood and focus in the exams revision. Not been diligent enough, I guess. My mind was pretty occupied with loads of thoughts. Preoccupied. I need something to forget about the existence of my condition.

I must persevere for the exams, even if it is so tough. I must get a good-enough GPA, so that I won't feel wasted for 3 entire years.

And I am gonna be better.

*Useless Parasite*

Why must it always be like this? 


Why must he always be like that in the apartment? Is he like that when he's with his gang of friends outside? Does he act like this useless, fucking lazy scumbag? That couldn't do anything useful enough to be labelled as useful? I'm perplexed and fucking mad.


Even though he's so popular with his gang of friends, does he practice what he preaches out their, in the family? WIll he EVER be like that? Will he FINALLY be able to communicate with his family, as well as he can do easily out there with his friends? I don't think that's possible. Will he ever remembered he had a family back in the apartment, or does he think he's the only soul in that 'house' he so calls?


Can he spare even 5 seconds to throw away his rubbish and garbage? No, he can't he has to say 'WAIT' without fail, every single time someone reminds him to do that. Though some or most of us in the family tends to get lazy at time, it's definitely not as persisting as he can be like. even if you throw the garbage in front of the room he lays, he can literally walk OVER the rubbish and then ignores its existence. WOW. This is some serious eye-brain related problem? Will he ever contribute to anything labourious in this house? will he START to do anything constructive besides his dancing, his friends, and his life? WIll it be even possible for him to not stay out till midnight every single day, if not once every 2 days? IMPOSSIBLE MAN! He practically behaves like he's living in a hostel. FUCK YOU, BITCH.


Not to mention the amount of food he eats. His bowl is alway choking full. He eats tidbits like it's rice. He finishes most of the food we intended to share and slowly enjoy over time. He destroys whatever hope we inject into the house. Whatever we tried to hopefully inject, he sucks it all out at the other end. I don't know, but he definitely eats, acts and behaves as a monster. Can't fucking stand his opinions. Why does he always think he's maligned? Is it really so? Or is it just another complete, ridiculous reasoning he tries to defend himself? I don't know!


I didn't mean to write yet another angry post, but it's intolerable. He's intolerable for existence. How to accept him for what he has been doing? Nobody can. Except for my mum. My dear mummy. who has been tolerating and bearing every single stupid action he does. For every hurtful action and comments he has said. For every single time he forgotten he has a mum that he should respect. If he ever read this post, I fucking don't care at all. He's already transformed into the stranger that I can vaguely remember as my sibling.

Fuck You, Bitch.


You're not going to fucking have your cake and eat it. You're fucking wanting your head to be chopped off like Medusa.


And stop proclaiming how your side is always the victims. Pull out those fucking useless eyes of yours through the eye sockets and see clearly: WE ARE THE ONES, NOT YOU. Therefore, YOU have no inch of fucking right to actually vulgarize our family. Fucking Ah Lian way STOP Telling me how maligned and tolerant you are. Stupid, FOUL FUCKING Mouth.


EVERY SINGLE TIME, the invitations are only we heard from Mum. NEVER ONCE did you FUCKING BOTHER to message us. OR PHONE US. FUCKER, go eat shit.


WHY? OH, cause YOU NEVER FUCKING BOTHERED MAH. NEVER FUCKING BOTHERED TO MSG / PHONE US for such stupid things. Everytime mum had to tell us last minute, and we have to rush down, for what? For pretence. sit down there, eat, pretend, pretend and more pretending. Stupid idiotic shits. Don't think only you are entitled to fucking scold ppl like that. I am ALSO ENTITLED.


STUPID BITCH.

POST IT - Beeeeeeeeelated.

Been a gazillion years (if what-not) since I ever came to this site for any visible updates.

I can't believe how busy I am emotionally, mentally and physically. Thanks that to the fucking schoolwork I have been slapped with. Projects after projects, only to be staring at yet more presentations after presentations.

Product Design & Development was torturous enough on its own. Trials of optimization, followed by testing of parameters, and then labelling design as well as the preparation for the food exhibition (poster and prototype samples). Not to mention the group tutorials that sucked like hell every single week. I don't know whether its the lecturer or its just the team members' problem. I believe it to be both though, in my own opinion. Why can't the tutorials be better? Gosh, I hate it everytime the tutorial presentation begins. It's p-p-personal.

Labelling & Regulatory Affairs were also another mental problem. Stupid regulations make you go nuts man, seriously. Lookin for them is even tougher than memorizing it, I SWEAR. It's hard to search for Australia's regulations! Everything about this module is completely F***care seriously! Presentations after presentations make me go sick in the face and in the body, looking through boring schedules and sections of food acts and regulations. I also feel f***ed for the projects, presentations and tutorials for this module. Seriously, I think I know the reason why. It's clear and obvious, yet I just didn't bothered about it in the start of everything. If only I had done it the other way...?

I'm glad Food Business was one  of the best modules of this semester. At least until before Financial Plans started. Now, I'm perplexed by Balance Sheet, Profit & Loss Statement and Cash Flow Statement. Hope I can manage!

Common test wasn't hopeful enough for me. I can't understand why I can't get better results... damn disappointed with fairly some of them. Of course, I deserved it right? Always the baddies (as I put) got better grades. I can't tolerate it, seriously! Damn, becoming angsty all of a sudden... *calms down*

I still have to clear up a shitload of assignments, reports and presentations before I'm officially cleared for the exams revision. I better become more focused and do more work then... tests coming up, and I'm not gonna fail them, or get just-pass marks liao. Hope I can gain back the confidence...

Seriously, it felt a bit better writing these stuff, of  what I've lacked in doing over the past 3 to 4 months. All that angst, stress and compromises I've made (be it in terms of teamwork, schoolwork, slacking excessively, everything what-not) seemed to bottle up and destroy most of my zeal and optimism for the better. They shouldn't stay in my body sia. It felt better now...

Life shouuldn't be so tensed up, I realized. Take some time out of the norm... You'll realize that once you stop for awhile, it falls on you that life is not all about grades, GPA and A's. It's about the amount of satisfaction you get from life.

I'll work harder for everything, despite saying that the grades didn't matter. Well, I'm still gonna pin hopes for a better GPA though 

:)

That's all for now. Should've slept hours ago. Gonna lack sleep soon. Oh, did I mention that I lacked sleep almost every week? Yes. 

I fucking hate Poly schooling~